In a brave attempt to bring socialist principles to the F3 workout, yours truly, orchestrated a session that ended in a humorously dystopian fitness disaster. Spoiler: It was as successful as a Soviet tractor factory. 🚜
Disclaimer: Before embarking on our communal suffering, we were reminded that today’s workout was about shared effort and equal outcomes. Because nothing says “motivation” like the promise of universal mediocrity!
Warm-Up: The proletariat gathered to warm up in perfect unison, demonstrating our commitment to equality from the start:
- Imperial Walkers – Because nothing says socialism like doing an exercise named after empires.
- Side Straddle Hops, Mountain Man Poopers, Willie Mays Hayes – As coordinated as a five-year plan.
- Solidarity Shoulder Shrugs – Forward and in reverse, because we must cover all directions of the socialist compass.
- Frankenstein’s Goose Step March – Which quickly turned less “monster mash” and more “march of the people.”
The Thang:
In a true test of socialist fitness theory, we embarked on a journey of redistribution that would make Karl Marx proud—or deeply confused:
– **Overhead Press with Bernie Sanders:** Named after the great socialist himself, we started with 20 overhead presses, then Bernie Sanders-ed our way to the end of the parking lot to perform 20 Plank Jacks with all the PAX squeezed into a Siberian jail cell. We then Bernie Sanders back to the start to rinse and repeat. We are supposed to do this exercise three times but we could tell at the end of round 2 that there were some people that were not going to be able to complete the task so those that were in the back were given reps and mileage by some of the people that had more…. to make everything fair.
– **Jail Cell Workout** Because that exercise was not done well enough, we were all thrown into prison and we were required to do 100 ‘Mericans (yes, I know I should not be doing ‘Mericans in this workout theme), then 100 block squats, and then 150 curls. Partially through the ‘mericns it was evident that some people had more and others had less, so we stopped and evened everything out so that everyone had 30 ‘mericans. We continued from there and shockingly, everyone slowed down a little bit. We had to stop again later on and even out the ‘mericans so that everyone ended with 50. Because of the poor job we did we were required to do block squats. There were 100 block squats to be performed by each person to help the community. As yours truly approached his 35th block squat, he realized that there were people that were not able to do as many as the others so in order to make things equal in our society, those who had done more were forced to give part of their block squats to the others who are not able to do as many. Again, we continued from 30 as we were all equal again. When we reached 50, it again appeared that there were some people who did not have enough so we redistributed the squats so everyone had an equal number of 50. We still were not able to get to our goal 100 squats so we were forced to perform curls. We needed to get 150 curls each. As we were going through our curls, it became again evident that some people had more and others had less, so we were able to redistribute the curls so that everyone had 35 curls. We went a little bit longer and after a period of time, shockingly, some had more and some had less. We made everything fair again with everyone at 50 curls. At that point in time we decided, together, that we would, as a community, perform curls. Everyone did what they could to hit a magic 300 number. We would all achieve our goal together, whether you did a little or a lot. Time ran out at 290 and sadly, we were not able to hit the goal. Realizing some PAX were more equal than others, reps were redistributed to ensure everyone suffered equally. From Mericans to block squats, each rep was a step towards communal mediocrity.
– **Communal Carries:** This forced us to have to learn how to work together as a community to meet a goal, so we next performed communal carries. We lined up in a straight line, each in our own jail cell, with blocks in front of the first five members of the community. We then passed the blocks down to the end and when the last person got the block they ran the block to the beginning of the line where we continue to pass it down over and over again achieving absolutely zero results. Because nothing was accomplished with a block being passed around in one direction, we decided that since that was not working, the wisest thing to do would be to change directions and pass it the other way because surely we will be able to make some headway since the first direction did not work. Again, shockingly no results were achieved and the blocks were just continued to pass Among Us. A futile exercise in block passing, achieving as much progress as a five-year plan in a Soviet factory.
– **Partner Proletarian Plank:** One partner would get in a plank position with the other partner placing the block upon their back, symbolizing the weight of the working class upon their back, while the other partner performed 10 monkey humppers, 10 squats, and 10 Goose steps. We rinse and repeated three times. While everyone was tired and exhausted from working out, but still needing work to be performed so we could eat, we all stood around and watched Jester perform the exercise on our behalf so that we could get our final reps in.
Mary:
– **Standing Partner Russian Twists with a block:** We twisted with the vigor of a KGB interrogation, passing blocks in a dizzying display of dizzy socialism.
– **Sitting Russian Twists:** Instead of blocks, we passed good old-fashioned Soviet fist bumps, proving that even in exercise, you can create a participation trophy.
COT:
As we counted off, we stood in solidarity with one another understanding it is all about the F3 community and not individuals, we all called out the number 1 and the name Daisey. We closed out the workout pondering the irony that in our pursuit of equality, we found a deep, shared misery… but hey, we all got a participation trophy 🚩🏔️
Announcements:
Sign up for “Meeting the Mountains” this weekend at Winged Deer Park—because if we’re going to suffer, we might as well have a scenic view. Check Slack for exact times and coordinate with your comrades. 🏞️👥
Moleskin:
Today, we learned that socialism in fitness, much like in economics, results in uniformly poor outcomes. As we lay on the ground, equally spent, equally underwhelmed by our collective achievements, we pondered the wisdom of trying something different next time—like maybe a little healthy competition?
BOM (Ball of Man):
As we broke from our circle, the air was thick with the realization that while equality sounds great, in workouts, as in life, effort matters. Until next time, keep pushing—not for the state, but for yourself. 🤝💪
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